Words where are you?

I have many blogs in my to read list on my iPhone. I love reading, I have always been a reader I can be reading up to 3 novels at any one time, so that no matter what I am feeling I have something relevant. These blogs however are something different they have opened my eyes to an all new love, and that is reading what other people have written about life, love, and everyday!

This was originally what led me to want to write for myself, for my family. To record and to remember all the wonderful days and events that we share and to help me wrap my mind around all my thoughts and feelings, events and occasions.

All of these blogs that I do read amaze me, how they manage to find the time and the constant motivation or inspiration to do so. Since I have started this blog for the 2nd time, I have tried to manage my time so that I can write every day or two. I have wanted to do this so that I can get out what I am thinking and what I am feeling, to record our days and any momentous occasions and to vent for all to hear.

However, these last 3 days I havent really had an urge to write, I normally feel like if I don’t write then I will explode with all the thoughts in my head! but no matter what I started to write and despite all that has been happening nothing would come. I would like to think that maybe it is a contentment with life but knowing how many times I have felt guilty for yelling at Master 5 that could not possibly be the case.

I think for the first time since I was about 13 and started writing poetry I am having writers block, I don’t know what to say or how to express anything. So although I am going to spend the next couple of days finding some new inspiration some motivation to help my writing brain return!



Italy here we come – the flight

Well I had been looking forward to our holiday since before it was booked. Travelling to Europe in particular Italy has for long as I can remember been my dream!!!

Although I never expected to do it with 2 young children in tow I was even more excited to be sharing the experience with my husband and my littlies.

Of course the thought of the very long flight was a little daunting, I didn’t know which would be worst Master 5 who struggles to sit still for more than 10 mins or Master 1 who had just started crawling and wanted to get down and go everywhere. We had arranged to fly out of Sydney at 10pm at night in the hope that it would help the boys sleep.

We were so surprised with the airline that we flew with and the excellent service, not to mention the boys behaviour they were so well-behaved Master 1 was asleep on take off and Master 5 sat quietly not really doing much at all and eventually fell asleep. They both slept for nearly the whole first leg which was from Sydney to Dubai.

The stop over was the worst, it was 4 hours before our next flight and as they were awake and it was morning they just wanted to run around but in an airport as busy as Dubai it wasn’t going to happen. When we finally did board the next leg it was a little more trying it was a 6 hour flight to Rome and for the boys it was their morning they wanted to play and although they were well-behaved I am sure the business man sat across the aisle from us couldn’t wait to get away from Master 5 and his 20 questions per minute!

In all though I could not complain about our flights, or the boys, both who outweighed our expectations.

And as our plane landed in Rome, I was excited, I was nervous and I was close to tears. Finally my biggest dream was coming true and I was going to enjoy it with the 3 most important people in my life.


Welcome back Sanity!

Last night I had my first shift at my new job, well I should say my first trial for a new job. I could not believe that within a couple of hours of being surrounded by other adults my sanity could slowly begin returning.

Now don’t get me wrong I love being home with my boys, most of the time that is but we all have our days. And we do get out quite often, we go to playgroup 2 days a week we have sport and pre school but there is always the concern of where each of the kids is, that they are behaving themselves.

So last night although there was plenty of children about, some misbehaving, many getting to that tired, tantrum chucking stage, not a single one was my concern and that was a nice thought. Although I could easily relate and sympathise with what the parents were going through it was for a change not me dealing with little ones. It certainly makes your respect for all childcare workers and teachers increase ten fold.

And although I did at first think I would miss putting the boys to bed and being there for them in the evening I did enjoy myself, I loved the interaction with other adults, I loved the chance to make my brain work, I loved that slowly and surely my sanity may return which I think can only increase the importance of the time that I do spend with my boys.


My love for the city may finally have been replaced

We have family and friends in numerous locations across the hunter and Sydney all of whom we love visiting. This past weekend was spent with amazing family and close friends in Western Sydney.

We got to help celebrate our gorgeous nieces 1st birthday and visit with our equally gorgeous Godson for his 1st birthday.

We then had a great family day out with the boys before catching up with great friends for dinner on the beautiful northern beaches.

Knowing that Christmas is just around the corner made all of this time spent with friends and family seem even more precious. It is so hard to catch up with everyone once the crazy season hits, and living in our small coastal town I didn’t realise that it is has hit so ferociously.

After our very busy weekend, we stayed in the city last night as my hubby had training for work today so me and the boys decided that after having a dip in the pool and packing up our stuff we would head into Pitt st mall for a bit of shopping and catch up with Santa in his santa cave.

The boys had a great time looking at the christmas trees, lights and decorations that are everywhere and it certainly makes for a cheery atmosphere. Well it would be if the hustle and bustle of everyone wasn’t such a distraction it seems that everyone is in the biggest rush of their life.

When we were heading into town I was excited as I miss the city at Christmas, well I least I thought I did.

Until today that was, today the city was a nightmare, I had my 5 year old in tears with thanks to a grumpy man in a suit that told him he couldn’t see santa or the christmas decorations at one store as it wasnt open yet, “it’s far to early for christmas” were his words, quite hypocritical considering the actual store had decorations and trees up everywhere.

Then there was the 30minute wait to line up and see Santa ((at another store (thankfully he was there)) for a whole of 2minutes – because we weren’t paying $40 for a photo we were rushed out the door.

So now I am very thankful for the small coastal town that we have moved to. Don’t get me wrong we have decorations up and around the streets the music plays just to a lesser extent than it does in Sydney.

But today has certainly opened my eyes and helped me to understand now that the hundreds of trees and lights of the city cannot make up for true atmosphere of Christmas the friendships, the community, the small coastal towns Christmases and its everyday appeal.

So although we had a nice day visiting the city, playing in the parks, browsing the never-ending shops, admiring the beautiful christmas window displays I was glad to drive 3hours to get home to our very relaxed, friendly beach side village.



The Baby we love

Although a lot has obviously happened since I have last really posted on here the one thing that I need to write about the most has been very recent, it is still a very raw experience for me and our family and I know that as much as we have tried to cope there is days that are much harder than others and there are days that are even more blessed with the 2 beautiful boys we have.

4 weeks ago I was 16 weeks pregnant or so we believed, we had our 12 weeks scan everything was fine, there was a beautiful strong heartbeat and the little baby was coming along just perfectly. However, little did we know that 3 days after our scan that little miracles heart had stopped beating, and they had stopped growing.

Now as a mother and a woman who had already had 2 normal pregnancies, I can understand why people ask how I didn’t know for 4 weeks that there was something not quiet right, well everything had continued as to be expected I was still having some morning sickness, I had no spotting or cramping and everything appeared normal.

I had only one concern and that was that my belly didn’t seem to be growing as big as quick but I had put this down to my very conscious effort to eat well and continue to exercise, something I had not done with my previous pregnancies.

My first true concern was the Thursday before we knew, I woke startled from a terrible dream with the most surreal feeling. I had dreamed that the baby was trying to get out through my belly, trying to force its way through my skin. I explained it to myself as  lack of sleep and hormones.

However, 2 nights later I woke with very bad lower back cramps and a pain I could not explain. It went away though and I eventually fell back to sleep. When I woke in the morning though it was back and there was spotting and I knew something wasnt right. So we went to emergency for a check up.

When the doctors completed a bedside scan they explained that the heartbeat had stopped shortly after our scan, that there were no signs that there was anything wrong as it was a missed miscarriage. Our hearts broke, and we sat in grief and silence for a long time just holding on to each other and our 2 beautiful healthy boys.

Despite everything the whole process was made just that little bit bearable by the bedside manner and genuine concern that we received from all of the staff that we encountered, it was truly touching, it was as they too felt our pain and our loss.

The following 5 days were up and down, I gave birth, in a way to my beautiful baby and got to see its tiny little body and although I was a mess inside with grief I was strong.

I knew I was lucky to have the amazing family that I do, I knew that I had so many wonderful friends that were there for us through everything and I knew that my Husband and my boys and this little baby would always be a family and we would no matter what,  always remember.

We never named our precious little baby, we found it a little easier that way, but that does not stop us from remembering every day we had them in our life – in my belly, that does not mean they are any less apart of our life or our family. We will always love our little bub and we will always hold a very special place in our family and in our hearts.


Shopping with kids

Wednesday was the worst day I have had for ages with the boys. It started out ok and went down hill very fast!

Master 5 (both the boys have had a birthday since being home from our holidays so I now have a 1 and 5 year old wrestling and fighting) woke up in a very bad mood due to a late night, his mood deteriorated very quickly, he was a little sulky whilst at home but because Grandma was here to play with he wasn’t as bad as I knew he could be.

We went off to playgroup without a hitch, except for once again being late, no matter what I do I still manage to be late. He played lovely with the other kids had his morning tea and was in the sandpit when I told him we needed to get going as we had a lot to do for the day. There wasn’t to much of a tantrum but enough to make my blood start to boil, then he decided he wasnt going to put his shoes on so 10minutes later we eventually were leaving.

First stop was Bunnings where as we were looking through gardening department I told master 5 he could play on the park if he liked while Grandma and I looked around and Master 1 sat happily in the trolley waving to all the other customers. Not even 5 minutes of walking around the shop and there is a page over the PA system for the parent of the little boy in the park please come and collect him as he NEEDS you! The rest of this visit was painful but bearable but then we were onto the next lot of shops for some Christmas shopping.

However, the first stop was the coffee shop I thought a babycino and a cookie was the answer to calming him for another hour. However, his indecisiveness just managed to make me very frustrated. Once that supposed calming experience was done it was time to move on.

I needed some new clothes for the boys and decided as there was a massive sale on I would laybye them now for Christmas,  he founded a new friend, a chequered bouncy ball that all  of a sudden he was inseparable from. When I told him he could not have it he tried to pocket it, after having taken it from him again and putting it up high on a fixture a massive tantrum erupted, the lack of sleep was now definitely catching up on him.

I know, that as he was tired it was unfair on him to be out doing things he didn’t want to but it is so rare that I get a chance to get to the shops and also have someone there to help me that I was trying to make the most of it. So yes it was self-inflicted and the eventual outcome was inevitable but I couldn’t see that at the time.

I know that rewarding bad behaviour is not the way to go, but I felt guilty at making him do things his disliked so much on not enough sleep so i decided last stop was the toy section of the large department store. I told him, more like warned him before we went in that he should not ask for anything it is nearly Christmas and the only money I have is for presents not for anything prior.

After letting him browse for about 10minutes and having picked the present that I needed for my nieces 1st birthday it was time for a quick stop at the kids swimwear and then home. He sat down in the middle of the aisle and started crying and crying and crying. I told him I was going and that he should follow me, he didn’t I got to the swimwear and he still wasn’t with me then I heard it could the Grandmother of a little lost boy named Reagan please come and collect him from the laybye department.

Grandma looked at me and said she was not going to get him it was my turn! I was so angry that he had told them he was lost and not that he had a tantrum and I had left him and I was only two aisles away, but at the same time a sense of relief washed over me at least he had known what to do if he was lost, he was a very smart and independent and I was proud.

Although that feeling did last throughout the rest of the day the shopping trip still ended with me holding back to tears as I was so fed up with dealing with a tired boy whilst being tired and not being able to get him to understand what I wanted from him, or not doing what I wanted, but I guess that is his independence and that is something I have taught him.

I am proud of the boy he is becoming but I am still frustrated daily, another double ended sword of parenting!


How it was meant to go

I started this blog over 6months ago, the plan was for me to be able to document the weeks leading up to our wonderful overseas holiday and all the amazing things we got to do and see why we were away. Then continue on with our daily lives when we get back.

Unfortunately due to the organisation, the planning and the general day-to-day of life I was unable to do this. I wasn’t organised, I couldn’t prioritise my day so that I was able to make time to blog as well as everything else. So unfortunately, I was unable to record everything.

The lead up now forgotten, I still plan to document our actual holiday. It was impossible to do why we were travelling around as we didn’t take our computer with us and I didn’t want to be spending time away from the family to type in an internet cafe. So I recorded everything on paper although it is all burned into my memory as well. It was the most amazing experience.

So my plan now for this blog has changed I do intend to use it to record our holiday with intermittent posts however, I also plan to use it to document my everyday life with my two beautiful munchkins. The  ups and downs of our family – and in the past 6months there have definitely been many of both and the general joy of life and experiences that come with us.

So although our amazing family holiday is now been to past I continue to live my dreams with 2 beautiful boys and a loving and supporting husband in tow. The only extra upside is that now whenever something bad or trying is happening I have an extra special place to go to and that is my wonderful and very visual memories of a romantic family holiday through Europe.

So welcome back to me a new me and to you, who I hope will continue to follow me and enjoy my adventures along the way.


Losing Loved Ones

It’s never easy losing a loved one, whether it was something expecxted due to an illness or it was due to an unexpected accident that inital shock of being told that they are gone is so overwhelming and so all encompassing that we become frozen in such a state of disbelief, we are undoubtedly at such a loss.

Grief automatically commences and although it is so natural to grieve and although we all experience the “5 stages of grief” in different ways we do all experience them, each and every stage. It is the only way to cope, our way of being able to deal and our way to accept.

It doesn’t matter the strength of the relationship you had with this person or the history that may have been between you, if there was any feeling of love, of caring of warmth between you the stages of grief are the same, they are overwhelming and confusing and frustrating all at the same time. Even knowing that you are working your way through a process to reach the final acceptance does not make dealing with each of these stages any easier.

Each love one that we loose creates different emotions within us, each relationship we have is different, the history you hold with one person could never be the same with any other person and for that reason you can never expect to feel the same loss or the same pain for someone else.

Whether the person was very close to you or someone you cared for and rarely saw or spoke to, or someone whom you once held a connection with, the pain and emptiness will not subside without dealing with all of these stages, all of these emotions.

And all of those loved ones that have gone before us would want for us to deal with these stages, so we can be at ease, so we can accept that they have gone so that we can move forward and continue to live without them physically but with them always in our heart, our soul, our mind.

To all our loved ones that have passes, may you rest in peace and God Bless.


Rainy Days

Well it’s seems that this weather really does not know what it is suppose to be doing up here on the Peninsula!

Often the rain clouds pass us by opting to unleash their wrath out at sea leaving us only with some unbelievable images as we sit down on the beach and enjoy the show. Magnificent to watch with lightening striking between Islands and the clouds forming and dispersing rapidly creating many fantastic photo opportunities and often leaving us with an unbelievable rainbow at the conclusion

. However, recently we have had been switching daily through dramatic weather changes, summer heat to pouring rain, to cold and miserable misty days.

But as I was thinking how annoying this weather has been for us here making it very difficult to plan what we are going to do tomorrow, questioning whether swimming lessons will be on or if tennis is cancelled. I stopped myself because really on the scales that is not such a big deal, I / We cant really complain about such trivial matters not in comparison to the wild weather, the constant rain, the wind the storms that  other Australian towns have been facing, where the rain is failing to ease and the dams threaten to spill over. People in those towns have reason to complain, although I think in many cases they are to busy to even consider it.

Busy sandbagging, and getting pets and loved ones out safe before the waters rise. Saving some of their valuables or the irreplaceable momentos, photos and memories that are at high risk of being destroyed before things  become so bad that they can no longer stay in their homes.

My heart goes out to all of those families and businesses that are now inundated with water, or those that wait threatened of being washed out. May you all remember that life is the only thing worth saving so  stay safe and clear of the flood waters don’t endanger yourselves or others for material posessions and may all the volunteers, police, rescue, fire brigade that risk their lives for others be especially safe in these dangerous conditions.

As I sit here writing this, again, the large grey clouds have opened upon us and although I know that rain is not preferable for me today if it eases rain from those towns that are in desperate circumstances then I am very happy to have it!


Jealous Families

Well I know it has been a while, 2 weeks I think, and I know that if I intend on blogging I should probably make it more of a regular occurence. However, who would expect that a 9month old doesn’t play on his own when you want him to? Or doesn’t stay asleep just that extra 20minutes so that mummy can get to the computer.

So much has been happening and I have had so much on my mind, we spend last weekend at the in laws helping my gorgeous sister in law and her partner celebrate their recent Engagement (unfortunately some of her soon to be in-laws trashed her house and started a fight) which really got me thinking about family and jealousy.

Personally coming from a very large extended family I have never really felt that there was a lot of Jealousy (or if there has been I was to young to remember it) between cousins, aunts, uncles etc. and I have been especially lucky that within my immediate family we try and support each other as best we can. Small issues sometimes come up like me wanting the new dress my sister brought etc. but I usually give it back after borrowing it (or she steals it back).

But the jealousy I witnessed was unexcusable, why would you not be happy for your brother? He has a loving fiance, a loving family of 3 small children, he is working his backside off in a business he runs with his dad and has recently brought a new home (it’s not like they paid for the house in cash it’s a mortgage like most peoples.)

So why not be happy for them? I cannot understand what must go through ones mind for them to be so jealous that they reach a point where you feel you must trash a siblings house?(and I dont mean beer bottles everywhere – I mean broken doors & smashed glass)  You should be there for your sibling because if they have always been there for you, always helped you when you were down, or alone you would want to repay them, support them and be there for them just like they were for you!

Well for now I really hope that the old saying is true, “What goes around comes around” and to my gorgeous sister in law no matter how many times I wish I had legs or boobs like yours, no matter how many times I think it would be so great to have a house that big with a beautiful yard, I will never ever be jealous I will only ever be thankful for the love and support we share! And we will always be there for you and your family no matter what!